I feel like im slowly going insane thinkin bout the same ol shit all the time true enough its horrible but ive already got my revenge so why hasnt the pain lessened it still feels like it all just happened my memories are so vivid sometimes when i do sleep i wake up in a pool of sweat tryna break free cause my mind is stuck in the same place where i lost my conscious i wanna b able to feel the good things but i just cant its like its been cut off 2012 was the year i lost everything i ever wanted and ever cared for its so wild when i think about all those times i never thought i could survive i prepared myself and my resolve was final maybe thats why i feel dead inside cause i wasnt suppose to make it and i knew it but i did and i guess my reward was life at the cost of the life i dreamed about i think about it and it hurts so bad cause it was so real when u love someone the way i did and still do you protect em from stuff like this i miss it more than anything cause all the love i had i gave it to her and now i have nomore to give my heart stuck wit you and my mind stuck in last year ill never b the same i know that physically or mentally or emotionally its really taking a toll on me cause i honestly cant think of anything else and god.wont even help me ive never asked for help in my whole life and thats prolly why things turned out how they did but its so crazy i remember the night i finally decided to let her go the whole time i just thinkin bout her wakin up one day soon to a call that ni one deserves the shit i was caught up in run so deep but immediately afterwards it made me so sick to tell the person you love more than life itself the person who youd do anything for that you dont wanna be with them anymore its the hardest thing ive ever done and to do it wit a straight face when a single word from her gets me excited but it is what it is cause shell never know cause now im the only one who knows and i could never tell her the full truth so its no point in ever tellin anyone for that matter i just hope with all my heart that one day she can b as happy as she made me thats all i want cause she deserves it nothing the best i havent done that in so long i just shedded a tear that has to b the last one for sure now i just like to live so dangerously cause im no longer afraid what else can i loose and when you no longer fear death you feel anything is possible maybe thats why im so obssessed with working out who knows i dont even remember the last time i hung out or even had at least a decent time i guess thats just my life

Its just not working what ever i do i cant shake it i wonder if i ever will im not tryna live like this anymore i coulda died the other day and been free instead im caged in my own prison the prison of the mind its like i got so much anger hate and hostility built up that when i finally snap i feel sorry for whoever it is i thought i had solved my anger issues a long time ago maybe i did but this world is bringing the very worst out of me i miss the days that were taken from me when my thoughts were my own now pain and anger think my thoughts for me i remember the exact day all this shit started shit hit me like a movie scene i can never ever forget April 31st 2012 its like from that moment it was all down hill sometimes i laugh to myself to pretend it didnt affect me as much as it did its the reason i hate god with all my heart and i know thats wrong but i went to war and i won but still i lost everything i understand but its like the person i use to be once he died and i emerged nothing was compatible anymore especially when from the start i always had this feeling that i aint got too much longer so i did what i had to thats why ive given up i had everything i ever wanted at one time now i have nothing but dreams and memories that i desperately want to forget cause even through all the physical pain it has nothing on the emotional its the one thing i dont right about because it hurts so much you could never understand all the things ive been through and all the things ive had to do im tired.of hiding dis pain like i honestly feel it all the time the aches are all over i feel so old but im young yet my eyes have witnessed so many things things most people pray they never have to experience and my soul is to corrupt to ever make it to heaven fucked up but thats how it is i was the victim til they slipped up but really i still am this shit gone have a hold of me till the day i die

Thsy say ive changed and i tell em i know you woulda too had you been walking in my shoes its crazy when the changes come so fast like overnight and when i say i dont care anymore im really just talking to myself cause no matter how i feel or what i go through i tell myself i just gotta b better its crazy cause when i think of goodness nothing comes to mind nothing at all on the inside i feel so evil and my anger gets the best of me cause im so angry for so many reasons i feel this pain all the time im so tired of it and these memories that i have i wanna loose em cause they do me no good and i know its been a while since it all started but i cant shake it if i told you youd be so shocked and scared i know in my heart that i did the right thing but i just want the pain to go away and forget it all but thats never gonna happen i wanna leave so bad but i still got two things i have to do my money growin everyday but honestly that means nothing to me i aint gone even need it when i leave all i want these days is to b left alone by everyone in my own peace and solitude cause i just cant keep going like its all good im so tired of pretending like im all good and its so crazy that im still in love and everytime i think about it it hurts cause its so real and i never got you to truly realize that but this person i am now ion even know if hes capable of real love but either way its things youll never,know cause ill never speak em i have this dream about you all the time and i never get to c your face i just see you walking further and further away i just cant understand why things had to b like this but im glad it was me rather than anyone else but i still have the right to hate it but im through wit all dat love shit i dont want kids i just wanna b secluded by myself i feel im too dangerous cause i dont care anymore and i dont wanna hurt anyone but these days i cant help myself any lil thing will set me off cause ill never allow anyone to put me in that situation ever again i would put my life on it but it has no more worth to me and i dont feel anything special for anyone so i put it on god cause he knows

I just cant overcome this problem i cant clear my head for nothing in the world its all in the past but the grip it has on me is just to strong before all this everything was perfect sometimes i think about it and i laugh cause its just so crazy how everything turned out you wouldnt beleive but it is what it is im just stuck where im at with no motivation its all gone all i want these days is a good death to die on my own terms like a fight to the death and when i go i dont wanna b buried or burned it doesnt matter cause i finally get to leave this place forever the life i live isnt by choice but now its the only thing i got being like this has saved my life a few times but i know one day i might not make it it doesnt scare me for tje simple fact that the only thing for sure in this life is death sometimes i wish i could still feel what it feels like to b afraid really feel anything other than hurt and pain cause i remember how i use to feel and if i could ever see a day like that again i would b okay just one day where i dont dream or think become brand new for one day thats my only wish one day of clarity so i can really take a look at myself and have the will i had but its to late for me the road ahead of me is just a reflection of the road behind me but im better prepared these days i write so much these days it doesnt make sense i got books of shit but only my eyes are allowed to see it i look from when all this started in the beginnin of 2012 and along the way at all the shit that i lost its all gone like i didnt even exist before then and honestly i could handle it better if i brought it upon myself but i didnt and im still clueless to that piece of info now ill never know shit really is funny when i think about it they made me coldhearted and ruthless and i dont beleive in mercy cause where was my mercy nowhere to be found now im unrecognizable to those who use to know me cause everybody from my old life are gone and im where ive always been now im just invisible to the world i hope i stay that way lol shit is really funny

I learned you can never be happy its to much working against you you cant win everytime it takes everything you got from you straight up and its hard cause the reality of it all is that you were just doing the right thing and that shit kills me i guess its why im so bad now i honestly cant keep my hands steady they fidigity they wanna make you look how i fell deep down so you can feel what i feel every second cause you dont know but im stressin where my focus go gone with the wind like the rest of me and of all the things i went through last year the biggest impact on my life was losing my everything and i cant even say losing but to me thats how it is i fell all the way to the bottom the person i was once was is no more now its just me solo til the world blow cause all dis shit so dead to me like when i try and think of one thing i feel any good emotion towards my mind shoot blanks cause i have none i dont need it anymore it does nothing for you you could die and who would give a fuck really thats how i feel cause thats what i know it to be it aint go be no other way dont even bother trying cause trying get you pinned up in all type of shit its crazy i fell like ive fallen from grace i never had wings doomed from jump i think about so much shit in the past my good memories i havent had one in so long youd swear i was lying well over a year ago today and my conscious so heavy like i ask myself why things have to b like this and its cause life is a flaw in our design built to hold us back you tell me i gotta maxium of eighty years to live off top what life this just some bullshit i see now but now im just recooperating

  • Who up

Not feeling it at all today so im getting past drunk and higher then a mother fucker

Another lead leading no where last night maybe im just trippin but i swear somebody been following me around for the last couple days you can feel when eyes are upon you but honestly i aint worried bout it cause if a nigga want anything from me he gone have to kill me straight up cause i aint taking another loss from whoever it may be cause if i loose anymore i might as well have lost my soul and that which makes me human

Ive done alot of bad things and alot of good people try to break me but you cant break whats already shattered they dont get it so they try and try thats why i am the way i am i gave up on all that shit i made it to the point where i couldnt take it anymore but you can never really loose all feeling but i am numb to the world but i wish to be invisible to the world

I just think its so crazy how not one bullet hit me its like when you survive something that was meant to kill you from then on youre just taking up space and oxygen i feel like my shadows in control and im watching from the sidelines cause my thoughts and even my actions just have a maliciously evil aura about it i dont even feel in control anymore not to say that im outta control and what ever forces are at work theyre stronger than me im helpless to myself but its not my fault they made me into what i am today and soon when the scars fade itll all be a mystery again of all the things that i truly need i just wanna forget every bad moment like it never happened cause replaying these scenes in my head back and forth i can feel the torment all over again im tryna deal with it come to senses but its got a hold on me im too angry not to have every piece of revenge i deserve cause i deserve it thats why i have no problems hurting anyone cause before all this whenever i fought i held myself back cause i was afraid i kill someone but not anymore some real bitch made niggas me step up cause god with me or not i made em lay down

On the edge rocking back and forward im not scared of falling anymore just knowing that there is a end to it all gives me some peace cause forever wouldnt even be fair and i know its sad that id rather it be sooner den later

I feel like i need to be a weapon so no one can hurt me im chiseling my body day by day and im not stopping til i have achieved it invade my space and ima show you my pain let you feel it see how you like it cause i cant play games no more fun time is over survival is the only way to succeed its not easy either a lesser man wouldnt have made it these people then filled me with a raging hate that can only be relinquished in death my fate is sad my journey is long and impossible because it never ends my life has been dictated by past transgressors i just wish i had the energy to even defend myself i just wonder how my next close encounter goes

I think about two things everyday constantly its slowly driving me insane im trying to maintain what remains of my soul but its so fouled up theres nothing worth salvaging ion know how i do it everyday putting on this front im tired of fake smiling i wanna smile forreal i just honestly forgot how cause all dis pain fron all dese beatings betrayals and sacrifices the weight holds me down in the bottom of the well stuck forever and i feel like its all in my head but this shit is real it made me fearless and cruel and after that i just lost hope and faith in so many things for things to become so real so fast with no wrongdoing of anykind being committed and it makes it so hard to control my anger i just wanna fight til i break every bone in my hands beat this hostility out of me cause i feel so sorry for the next nigga who come across me wrong its no more love all thats in the past i just want the rest of my revenge cause the price of everything i lost it truly broke me it all happened so fast one day i couldnt be happier and boom and its no point in praying cause no ones listening believe me i know ive never screamed and shouted so loud before the horror and pain was to great i called on him and nothing happened like always thats why i only depend on myself cause nobody realky cares about if you die or not theyll never even know youve left this world with their name at the tip your tongue and its crazy cause you cant trust anybody these days no matter how easy you make it its never enough and that hurts to want something so bad you go above and beyond and its all real true and sincere but there eyes cant recognize it so they abuse it thats why ive given up in life on the aspects of love and trust and honesty and loyalty cause every last mother fucker i know do it i hate being amongst such greedy sick twisted evil lying ass motber fuckers its so crazy i dont even remember the last lie i ever told but im just through wit it truth be told ion fuck with nobody i be at home everyday allday i leave to get cigarettes and rellos and liquour thats it thats all i need cause i for one cant take any more bad things in my life i cant take one more fall or im done im not getting back up and that i stamp a promise on

Dying is as easy as breathing but living is hard it takes a piece out of you everyday til youre left with nothing it hurts constantly and when your psychological pain meets your physical pain it gives you the sensation of being lifeless you still feel but it has your senses off something that should make you laugh makes you hurt you cant control it so i just choose to ignore it cause to me my feelings arent worth acknowledging whats the point i could die right now and everything thats inside me would die right along with me but this life im living feeds my goals and the things i desire for my fam i just hope i make it before my heart stops cause im tired of breaking promises that i would give the world to keep

I absolutely refuse to let anybody try me or down me whether its ten on one or one on one whether i win or not or survive cause being a good person gets you know where these days i honestly feel sorry for my enemies cause my mind just reacts and my body follows i can be so malicious and sadistic when when my personal space is intruded cause i hate dat shit dont stand to close to me dont look at me and definitely dont touch me i know it sounds like paranoia but its not theres no fear eminating from within me id just rather be the oppressor then the oppressed and if i ever find myself ever being oppressed again i honestly dont know what i do but i do know ill never be broken again this i promise and i stamp it with my life but i hope it never gets that far ever again cause im too tired and i used all my luck up along time ago living like this has changed me so much i barely recognize myself and its crazy cause i watched a movie the other day and there was this dude and he reminded me of me he was animal hopeless and ready and alot of you might not understand but anybody who does goodluck to ya were one in da same we see without ever looking cause we know what to expect all our clocks are ticking loudly counting down to the day we cease and all our pain and struggles cease to even matter yet while we live it holds us down and deceives us ive answered my calling in life i just wonder how long im a last cause i hear the life expectancy rate is two years max but that doesnt curb my resolve in the slightest cause the sooner i parish the sooner i will be free from my own mind cause it hurts me every second cause i cant forget and as many times as i den been hit in the head i should have permanent amnesia that would be so nice you dont even know the half of it beleive it or not though im in a good place compared to when this is all started more then a full year ago back then when i think about it i musta been insane but i cant help it cause ever since my 21 birthday ive been feeling a certain way like im gonna die and i honestly never even dreamed of seeing 22 with all the bullets flying by but i did but i still have that feeling its like the chills so i know it never gonna be over i just hate it so much i left so much behind and thats what kills me the most its what drives my hate and when i finally leave my fam behind its gone hurt some more cause i made a promise that i never spoke but i upheld faithfully now i even have to leave that behind its so crazy being dragged in this life literally one of two things i will regret if my nightmares come true is that i wont be here to protect all i hold dear though i never show it i still feel it you cant loose love or destroy it it remains forever thats what i like about it real love doesnt need reassurance or the audience of the loved or even them being priveleged to thst information so while im transforming into an animal whether good or bad my love lives on because im the only recognition i need